Tuesday, June 05, 2007
I am . . .
One would think it wouldn’t be difficult for me to write the MeMe Mia tagged me with. After all, most of what I share on this blog is all about what “I am,” or, at the very least, what I am trying to become. But writing this is difficult.

My writings aren’t driven by self-importance, but are the result of trying to live an emotionally transparent life; an authentic life. I am trying to lasso my personal truth because it got away from me a very long time ago, under the dictates of the business of adoption.

Sadly, it didn’t occur to me until nearly my thirtieth birthday that I’d been absent from my own life; that I described the bulk of my experiences in terms of how they were prescribed by others – by my adoptive mother, my birthmother and the “adoption professionals.” They all had a lot riding on how I felt. My birthmother needed to assuage guilt. The adoption professionals needed to keep their jobs. And my adoptive mother? Sometimes, there just isn’t enough room in one sentence to cover what needs to be said. But, the easiest explanation is that she needed to feed her narcissism and telling me how to feel, rather than asking how I felt, was the quickest means to that end.

It’s taken nearly ten years to access my feelings, gather them up, explore them and claim them as my own. It’s been a long, painful journey – one which will likely never find its ending. My biggest fear is straying off course and leaving those feelings behind again. Recording them here – throwing them out into the Universe – helps assure that I don’t.

I am many things because of my experience . . .

I am . . .

. . . Estranged from my both my families, because I spoke my truth.

. . . Often afraid of what they will do in reaction.

. . . Worried about what it will be like to grow old without a family.

As I continue to gather my truth . . .

I am . . .

. . . Sometimes frightened what I will find.

. . . Surprised by the depth of my anger in reaction to what I discover.

. . . Proud of what I’ve become in spite of it all.

. . . Sad for the child inside me who wasn’t well cared for.

. . . Feeling more like an orphan than ever before.

. . . More and more committed to staying the course.

. . . Less and less concerned about the consequences.

I am learning so much . . .

I am . . .

. . . Learning forgiveness is overrated.

. . . Learning forgetting is impossible.

. . . Learning that understanding the whys and how’s of what my parents did, then doing my best not to repeat them in my own life, is the better path towards healing.

. . . Learning there is nothing wrong with anger. It is an energy that can be harnessed to make positive change.

. . . Learning the truth isn’t free; it comes at a cost, but in exchange, you get authenticity.

And, because of all these things . . .

I am . . .

. . . Determined.

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Rhonda Ruminated at 11:25 AM | Permalink |


11 Ruminations:


  • At 2:45 PM, Blogger Charlie

    I agree that it is healthy anger that keeps you searching and moving forward.

    Change is a long and slow process, but you have traveled a long way down the road less traveled as an archaeologist of your own life.

     

  • At 12:19 AM, Blogger ditzymoi

    Quite often when I read anything you have written you leave me speechless, and moved to tears. The sheer honesty and true depth of your feelings makes me want to hug you and make it all better. When I say I understand I want you to know it isn't just words.
    I used to say I was adopted casually and dismiss it, like it wasn't important or that I had no feelings about it one way or the other... the truth was and is, it's an extremely painful and emotional topic and one I really have never dealt with fully.
    You are so strong and I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself and being true to yourself ... I know it isn't quite the same but Id be proud to be your family. *bigggggg hugggssss*

     

  • At 10:40 AM, Blogger Sven

    "Learning that understanding the whys and how’s of what my parents did, then doing my best not to repeat them in my own life, is the better path towards healing."

    This is true even for those of us who did not have a childhood as "eventful" as yours. Proof that all of us have room to grow.

    BTW, did I tell you that I like the smiling avatar much more than the pensive one.

     

  • At 2:24 PM, Blogger Ruth Dynamite

    You always leave me stunned, so deeply moved that I have to sit for a moment until my eyes clear.

    I admire your courage and can't imagine what it's been like to deal with the consequences of such courage. Stand tall, Rhonda. We are all your family.

     

  • At 4:36 PM, Blogger elizabeth

    Rhonda you are an inspiration.

     

  • At 10:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous

    In your authenticity you are perfection my friend! I knew you would nail this.
    Maybe there is something real about that newspaper clipping after all because I'm sure thinking you are a gift about now.
    Thank you so much for participating.
    xoxo

     

  • At 8:42 AM, Blogger Jennifer McKenzie

    I've enjoyed being a part of this process, however small that part may be.
    The things you've learned are amazing and most people don't learn before they're gone.
    You ARE an inspiration.

     

  • At 1:22 PM, Blogger Kim Ayres

    We hide our hurts, fears and vulnerabilities in order to protect ourselves, but we live in fear of someone discovering them and using them against us.

    What you do with your blog and your honesty is place them in the open, lay claim to them and consequently remove the power anyone else can ever have over you.

    You are a strong and powerful woman, Rhonda, whatever your fears might tell you.

     

  • At 9:57 PM, Blogger 34quinn

    Rhonda.. you are amazing. You know how to say so many things that I too, have experienced and work to live with and work through.
    It still makes me sad to know so many of us have so much in common, and at the same time, it helps me to heal when I see the strength you have I know I can find it too.

     

  • At 6:07 PM, Blogger Rhonda

    Charlie: Thank you. Archaeologist. I like that.

    Kim: Your comments mean a lot. Thank you.

    Sven: What you say is absolutely true. And, the old picture looked like I was in need of some Prozac.

    Ruth: Thank you. It is very comforting that other people "get it."

    Elizabeth: Ditto!

    Mia: I still go back to your meme and read it. It's amazing.

    Jennifer: Thank you, truly.

    Kim A: Wow. That's a side effect of truth I'd not yet considered. Too cool.

    Quinn: It makes me sad too!

     

  • At 10:16 PM, Blogger Loz

    There is lot's to be learnt from reading other peoples thoughts for those of us who are also on our own journeys. Thankyou for sharing.

     
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