Monday, July 10, 2006
Screaming MeMe
Reading Ruth Dynamite’s blog, I was awestruck by her ability to make a MeMe post so magnificently creative. Then I reached the end; the part where she tagged ME.

Two things stopped me from objecting: I adore Ruth and her writing and, because she is a tennis player, I imagine she sports biceps of steel. I want to stay on her good side. Thus, welcome to my MeMe.

Before the kids, dogs and I moved into The Philosopher’s house, his idea of cleaning was giving the floors a good sprinkling of Carpet Fresh. I found this oddly comforting. When I was a kid, my aunt lovingly referred to me as “Pigpen” (of Peanuts fame) because I’d whirlwind through the house in the midst of a project, leaving a trail of disorder in my wake. Not much has changed. If I’ve whirlwind-ed through the kitchen, I have to make a conscious effort to stop, turn around, and close the cabinets before moving on. I do so with about 50% accuracy.

I’ve just never been able to perfect the June Cleaver housewifery thing. I do clean, but in bursts driven primarily by a deep fear of slowly burning to death in a housefire. Because we are so alike, The Philosopher is tolerant of my Pigpen inclinations. But, he does have a few pet peeves. On the top of his pet peeve list is The Refrigerator.

“You have NO refrigerator skills!” he proclaimed one day, while searching through the largely expired collection of our fridge’s contents.

Now, thanks to Ruth, I am forced to come out of my cluttered closet. The world will know I have no refrigerator skills . .

Five Things in my Refrigerator:

1. Two EMPTY pizza boxes: My daughter gets the credit for this one. She’s evidently inherited the pigpen gene.

2. A bottle of V-8 with a 2001 expiration date. It’s unopened. It still must be good, right? I can’t be the only person who hears the “ . . . starving children in Africa . . . “ lecture ringing in my head, in my mother’s voice, when I contemplate throwing foodstuff away.

3. Salad Soup: In the crisper drawer. I didn’t make it. It seems to be the natural evolution of vegetables. Strangely enough, it’s the same consistency of the expired V-8.

4. THREE bottles of mustard: I HATE mustard and, therefore, have no idea why my condiment shelf is apparently hosting a mustard orgy.

5. Health Food: I am the only person in the house who considers this this edible, thus it remains untouched by anyone but me: crushed garlic in a jar, the world’s largest ever portabella mushroom, a pair of veggie burgers, vegan cheese and a package of vegan salami.

Five Things in my Closet:

1. A broken sewing machine: June Cleaver would have rushed the thing to the repair shop. Did I mention I’m no June Cleaver?

2. A box labeled: IMPORTANT STUFF. DON’T THROW AWAY. I have no idea what it contains.

3. My favorite pair of Levis. From highschool. They are the reason my fridge is filled with food so healthy it frightens the children.

4. A Grateful Dead Tie-dyed teeshirt, circa 1986. Ah, the memories. Concerts, hippy buses and hitchhiking on the Ventura Highway. Everyone should keep a reminder of when they were young, free and inexcusably stupid.

5. A Collection of Old Purses: I love finding the perfect purse, bag or backpack. They symbolize hope; hope that I will become organized; hope that no matter what mismatched mommy clothes I am wearing and despite leaving the house sans makeup, anyone who notices my purse will deduct I’ve retained some sense of fashion and style from my days of youth.

I cannot bear throwing out an old purse. Each one is a piece of history, a timeline of my life. The leather back-pack styled purse, sprinkled with the drippings of acrylic paints, was from my art-teacher days, big enough to hold a daytimer filled with lesson plans and a quick lunch for myself in between classes. Its worn straps and used up zippers bring back faces of favorite students. And then there’s the big, canvas satchel from when the kids were little. It’s held baby bottles, pacifiers, treasured toys and blankies. How could I throw it away?

Five Things in my Purse:

1. A bottle of synthroid, with thanks to my malfunctioning thyroid.
2. A spare car key because I’m terrified I will, one day, accidentally lock my dog in the car – with my keys. He isn’t licensed to drive.
3. A pair of tweezers. There is nothing worse than glimpsing into the rearview mirror and noticing a hair sprouting from some place it wasn’t meant to sprout, then realizing you have no tweezers. I’ve got it covered.
4. A bottle of nail glue, from the military ball. I ripped those fake suckers off on the way back to my hotel.

Five Things in My Car:

1. A Kodak Z650 digital camera: This is my little "just in case" camera, so I never miss a picture of, say, the formation of a wall cloud (the precursor to a tornado) taking shape right in front of me on my way home from the store:

2. A Crazy Frog CD: Strategically hidden beneath debris under my seat. Yes, I HID it from my daughter, because if I have to listen to that song one more time . . .

3. A can of mace. Don’t mess with me. And step away from the Crazy Frog CD – NOW!

4. The box in which we brought home our newest pet, Thumper the rabbit.

5. A bag of cleaning supplies: Fantastic spray, sponge and papertowels because, someday, I will bring them in the house and actually clean the fridge – and maybe even the closet.

_________________________________

Oh, and Atilla? Remember when I promised revenge for tagging me, way back when. Guess what? You're it.
_________________________________
 
Rhonda Ruminated at 4:16 PM | Permalink |


21 Ruminations:


  • At 7:45 PM, Blogger Ruth Dynamite

    Rhonda, my biceps? Think Olive Oil (from Popeye, not the kitchen).

    I'm intrigued by the tweeze while you drive concept, and I just may give it a whirl (as long as my husband isn't in the car).

    Salad soup? V-8 from 2001? Tie dye? Thumper? Love it all. Thanks for taking playing.

     

  • At 9:27 AM, Blogger Mia

    vegan salami?!?!?! My dear friend that sounds absolutely horrifying! The only thing I can think of that might be slightly worse are those putrid yellow schticks they call Tofu Pups. WHICH I bought once by the way. My kids took one look and said "you have GOT to be joking". The dog wouldn't even touch them.
    Some things are sacred and shouldn't be messed with. Salami is one of them.

     

  • At 9:30 AM, Blogger Mia

    Oh, and if and when we finally meet let's wear our Tie-dyes. I bet Atilla has one somewhere too. I think it's a requirement for all mountain hermits to own at least one.

     

  • At 10:04 AM, Blogger Nikki

    HAHAHA! I love it that you tagged Attila.

    I remember that meme where you threatened her with revenge.

    (Snicker)

     

  • At 11:07 AM, Blogger 34quinn

    Hahaha, very interesting, all of it.
    I am absolutely scared to death of your refrigerator now.
    I am in no way shape or form a clean freak, I hate housework, but every single week without fail on garbage day my refrigerator gets overhauled of anything that even remotely might be "icky"( couldn't think of a good term).

    I think it is because growing up our refrigerator was a scarie thing full of all kinds of molds and grossness and when hungry my adoptive mom would always say " there is lots in this refrigerator don't tell me there is nothing to eat!" and if I found a piece of molding out fruit she would say" oh there is nothing wrong with that just cut that green and white moldy stuff right off and its perfectly fine!"

    ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

     

  • At 2:26 PM, Blogger Mel

    Heh. Nice meme. And I have to agree with Mia - vegan salami does sound pretty yukko, man.
    :)

     

  • At 3:42 PM, Blogger BloggingMone

    Things have to be removed from the fridge when they start walking independantly and ask for a passport. Another good indicator to do something is when you open the door of your fridge, say "Good morning!" and the food is giving an answer.

     

  • At 6:01 PM, Blogger Attila the Mom

    "2. A bottle of V-8 with a 2001 expiration date. It’s unopened."

    Hey! We have one of those! It's called "One day, a skunk will come....", sang to the tune.

    Wait a minute. I just read Nikki's post.

    Did you tag me?

    Bitch. ;-)

     

  • At 1:03 AM, Blogger RC

    my wife sometimes lacks refrigerator skills as well.

    --RC of strangeculture.blogspot.com

     

  • At 2:26 AM, Blogger Rhonda

    Ruth:

    I pictured you as petite but anyone who can serve a tennis ball probably also has a killer right hook :)

    Mia:

    I don't eat anything with the word "Pups" in it. Are you sure it was made of tofu and not Toto?

    Frankengirl:

    Ah, a fellow whirlwinder. It's nice to know I'm not alone.

    Quinn:

    I'm pretty sure my lack of refrigerator skills also has something to do with my adoptive mother. I think, had I had your experience, I'd be a clean freak.

    Bloggingmone:

    "When they start walking independently and ask for a passport"

    Too funny!

    Atilla:

    You know what they say about paybacks. . .

    RC: A new face . . . welcome =)

    Thanks, everyone, for the comments. It is duly noted that, should I ever host a party for you all, I should leave vegan salami off the menu.

     

  • At 3:03 AM, Blogger BloggingMone

    Rhonda, don't tell Mia, Mel and the others, but if I should be on the list of your guests, I would be very happy with your vegan salami.
    Probably not with the one that is still in your fridge, though. I am allergic to some components of animal fat and therefore cheerfully welcome every new invention in the soya department.

     

  • At 9:03 AM, Blogger Pendullum

    I kept sighing with relief!!!

    Somehow through that post you have givin me permission to be me!!!

    I sometimes think the reason why we have parties is just so that we can rearrange the chaos of our house...

    Thanks for the glimpse Rhonda!!!

     

  • At 7:50 PM, Blogger Kevin Charnas

    More than a few things here made me chuckle.
    And yes, I hear the voices as well...
    I would keep the V8 juice too!

    Hell, I can barely throw ANYTHING away. I can thank my father for that.

     

  • At 11:34 PM, Blogger ditzymoi

    You crack me up!! I loved your MeMe.. and your fridge is almost as scary as mine ... mine doesnt have any health food to redeem it though :)

     

  • At 12:00 AM, Blogger Rhonda

    Bloggingmone: We'll have vegan salami for two then :)

    Pendullum: Glad I could help and even more glad someone can relate.

    Kevin: Ah, another packrat? You all are making me feel better.

    Kim: May I suggest vegan salami?

     

  • At 1:59 PM, Blogger St Jude

    I cleaned my fridge out this weekend. Don't ask, I must have been bored to the extent of morbidity. I daren't share the things I found in there! I do have the whole salad soup thing going on though most of the time.

     

  • At 4:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous

    We have a new fridge coming on Saturday - can't wait as the old one seems to think it is antartica.

    Don't know if I dare do this meme!

     

  • At 10:42 AM, Blogger Rhonda

    Jude:

    A saint with salad soup?! You don't know how much better this makes me feel about my refrigerator skills.

    Beki: I think it's the perfect timing for you to do this meme. Start it after the new fridge comes and you'll win the good housekeeping award.

     

  • At 5:02 PM, Blogger Mel

    HA! Step away from the CD, huh? That's priceless.

     

  • At 2:24 PM, Blogger Marie

    Dang, Rhonda. You just gave me some useful ideas. Especially the part about giving the hardwood floors a good sprinkling of Carpet Fresh-kind of absorb all the oil spills and dog hair. And then the broken sewing machine idea works too because then I'd have an excuse to say no to requests to patch everyone's damn blue jeans. You're a freakin' genius!

     

  • At 12:08 PM, Blogger Kim Ayres

    I think blogs are enhanced when their owners have to come up with descriptions aboutt hemselves that they wouldn't normally do. I found when I did my 101 things about me that it forced me to really reflect on the experiences and habits that I felt gave a true picture of who I am, or at least how I wish to be seen.

    And yes, "And step away from the Crazy Frog CD – NOW!" has to be one of the greatest quotes of the year!

     
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