Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Flossed Flankage
“Mom, math was horrible today!” my daughter, a middle-schooler, announced as she blew through the front door, tossing her back- pack aside. She looked completely exasperated; almost traumatized.

Was it a test?


An assignment?


Is that snobby girl picking on you again?

No! It wasn’t anything like that!

Then what?!

Mrs. Smith dropped her eraser.

Uh-huh? And?

And bent over to pick it up.

Yes, and?

And we all saw her THONG! It was HORRIBLE!

She had my sympathy. I carry a few traumatizing teacher moments from middle school in my own psyche. My assigned front and center seat in Mrs. Thorp’s math class kept me at eye level with her ample cleavage for an entire year. Mrs. T’s cleavage didn’t just accidentally pop out and wave at the class once in a while. She wore swoop-neck tee shirts designed to show it off. In fact, she wore the same tee shirt, in a different color, everyday. Show it off to whom, you ask? The pubescent boys in her class? I don’t know. Maybe she was trying to teach us girls with our perky “new” breasts the laws of gravity and importance of wearing a good support bra.

The new generation of middle-schoolers has much worse than old cleavage to contend with. They have the visible thong. The problem isn’t that people – or even teachers – wear them, it’s that they wear them above low-cut jeans designed to show them and, sometimes, even have tattoos designed to emphasize them, just in case you failed to notice their acreage of flossed flankage the first time they bend down to pick up a strategically dropped item. Seeing your teacher’s thong is about as disturbing as stumbling across your pastor’s porno collection. It simply shouldn’t happen.

Ladies, butt cracks have never, ever been in fashion. Your plumber wouldn’t be less disgusting if he tried to conceal his with forty-weight fishing line and your aren’t faring much better. Slapping lace on a butt-crack is like putting lipstick on a pig. And, before I am accused of just being a jealous middle-aged woman, wishing I too could show off my post-partum posterior with unabashed confidence, let me assure you, my concern isn’t personal – it is concern for all womankind. The visible thong has ruined the feminine mystique. If this fashion trend continues, will we soon be expected to wear our bras over our sweaters?

As for my traumatized daughter? Parents everywhere, heed my words:

D.A.R.E. to keep thongs off teachers!

Rhonda Ruminated at 10:13 PM | Permalink |

2 Ruminations:

  • At 6:47 AM, Anonymous Atilla The Mom

    Bwahahahaha! Too damn funny!

  • At 4:29 PM, Anonymous charlie

    It's a good thing I didn't choose the teaching of foundlings for a career: When I'm in a hurry to get dressed I sometimes get confused and put my boxers on over my trousers. I think Madonna got the idea from my confusion.

    I came over from Attila's blog. I love your dialogue.